Finally able to fall asleep
by RaspberryRaindrops
Summary: Nick and Zoe. R&R.


Zoe looked up as her office door opened, the dim light of her desk lamp spread a soft glow around the room, not enough light to distinguish the features of the intruder against the hash white glow of the hospital corridors. She sighed and beckoned them, him, further into her office as she pushed her free hand through her hair, feeling the damp ink from here and smudge onto her face. She hated the midweek nightshift, it was filled with her paperwork, paperwork and endless cups of coffee to stop herself nodding off at her desk. "What is it, Charlie?" She asked quietly as he took a seat on the sofa in front of her.

Charlie shifted uncomfortably under under her gaze, he could see the tiredness behind her eyes as she watched him, waiting for him to speak. "There's a call for you… Line one, I think you'll want to take it" he nodded towards the phone on her desk, the blinking red eye indicating the waiting caller. "I'll leave you to it…" He stood up awkwardly as her hand clasped the receiver.

She nodded her thanks and picked up the phone with trepidation, the ominous feeling making her hand shake slightly. "Hello?" Her voice cracked slightly as she spoke, and she took a deep breath waiting for the reply.

"Dr Hanna? Is this Zoe?" The unfamiliar female on the end of the line asked, she had a sense of urgency in her tone, an urgency that didn't fit three o'clock on a Wednesday morning.

"Yes… Do I know you?" Zoe hesitated, trying to place the accented voice.

"No… Sorry, I'm Staff Nurse Roberts. I'm calling from Edinburgh Royal Infirmary" she took a deep breath before continuing, having forced her last sentence out in one breath. "Do you know a Nick Jordan?" She asked quietly, pausing slightly to give Zoe time to answer.

Zoe faltered as she heard the name mentioned, his name. Her hand shook slightly and her heart thumped in her chest "yes… I know him, is he ok?" She asked, losing her nerve as the conversation continued.

The nurse on the other end paused again "No…" She whispered, hot he quietness of her voice trying to mask the severity of her words "He's dying, Dr Hanna, he requested that we didn't call you until it was the end… It's his tumour, it's back" she told her "I think he'd really like you to be here."

Zoe choked, feeling the tears stinging the back if her eyes and her the prickling in her throat as she tried to compose herself "how… How long do I have to get there?" She questioned, already switching off her computer and throwing her belongings haphazardly into her bag.

"He's not in good way… I'd say seventy two hours, at best" she replied.

Zoe sucked in her breath, the finality of the situation hitting her with such force that she had to sit back down again "I'm leaving just now, it'll take me a while, I can be there in seven… Maybe eight hours"

"I'll make sure I'm still here, just ask for Sarah. We're on ward six." With that she hung up the phone, leaving Zoe with the uncomfortable silence of her office.

She stood up quickly, grabbing her bag and coat and sprinting from the office. She skidded to halt at the nurses station and grabbed the phone from Charlie's hand to get his attention "Nick… It's Nick… Edinburgh, I have to go" and with that garbled message she sprinted from the department into the rain and towards her car; throwing herself into the drivers seat and pushing her now dripping wet hair from her face. She pulled out of the car park with a ferocious roar of her engine and sped towards the motorway to take her north.

She drove the motorway blankly, barely registering the pouring rain. It was a straight road north after navigating the tricky bypass to take her to the onto the motorway. There was no other traffic around, her speed pushing ninety; her accelerator almost touching the floor as she traveled further towards her destination.

Her mind wandered away from the road and long journey in front of her; focusing on one subject – Nick Jordan.

Nick Jordan; a man she hadn't seen for almost two years, her best friend, her ex lover and main confidante. The man she trusted more than anyone else, the man she loved more than she had loved another, the man who consumed a large chunk of her thoughts and the man who hadn't called her back of replied to an email in almost six month; she knew why now, though. He was dying, dying alone in an unfamiliar city with no one around him. She'd pushed the though of his 'five years plus' diagnosis to the back of her head, they were pushing on six when she'd last spoken to him. It killed her to know that he'd hidden it from her, that he didn't want to tell her until the very end. She was unsure whether he was being selfish or noble, but, either way, they both knew that she would have dropped everything the moment she had gotten his phone call – dropped everything and ran straight back to the man she was still, after so long apart, still so madly in love with.

There was a time when he told her everything, everything she could ever need to know about him… And more. When they'd sit up all night and talk about nothing and about everything. When they'd spill their deepest darkest secrets over a bottle, or three, of wine. When they'd whisper confessions into the darkness of his bedroom, or hers. She missed those days; they days where she was the main focus of his world and he of hers: when they'd curl up on the sofa with the TV on, both so wrapped up in each other that they had no idea what they were watching or what it was about; when they'd slip into a quiet restaurant, away from the hustle and bustle of the main city, tucked together in the back, dimly lit corners sharing desserts and playing footsie under the table; when they'd spend their days off driving, just driving, so long as they were together and Nicks hand would rest on her thigh as they cruised along the country roads with the faint sound of Led Zepplin from Nicks car stereo, straining to be heard over the whistling of the wind against Nicks open topped car. She'd give anything to go back then, to have made it work – properly. She wished every night as she lay alone, or with another man, that she could go back, back to when it was Nick beside her, holding her exactly the way she liked it and toying with her hair gently until she fell asleep to the backdrop of his gently breathing, the thump of his heart in his chest and his repeated whispers of 'I love you.'

The sun was rising as she made it across the border, the road slightly busier with those heading to work early. She joined the M74, heading further north towards the capital; the road was unfamiliar but easy enough to navigate, just keeping an eye on the cars joining her on their commutes, slowing her down slightly, back towards the speed limit as she looked at her clock. Just before six am, she wondered if Nick would be awake; waiting on her to appear at bedside. She didn't even know if he knew she was coming, if he was on so many painkillers that he wasn't aware of anything, or anyone, around him. Her attention slipped again back to them and their relationship;

_"Zoe" Nick whispered, shaking her gently to rouse her from her sleep. He uttered her name louder as she protested to being woken up, glaring blearily at him with half closed lids "look" he pointed to the window, the full glass wall that was the main feature of one side of his apartment, the excitement in his voice reminded her of a child at Christmas and he pointed, again, eagerly towards the skyline where the sun was barely visible on the horizon; ready to erase the scattering of stars that still lingered above them. "Isn't it beautiful" he encouraged her, smiling as she nodded on agreement before flopping back down onto the pillows and closing her eyes again. She flicked her eyes back open barely a second later as his lips made contact with her already naked body; his tongue laving at marks he had left, swirling around her most sensitive spots and leaving her quivering beneath him. "Nothing better than sex as the sun comes up" he whispered to her as he rolled from her body end tuned her to face the window, just in time to see the sun fully appear; it's rays streaming in that window and catching her hair, highlighting the lightest shades of copper and blonde and he kissed the nape of her neck._

She took the junction just in time, barely registering it as her car drifted into the next land and a sharp toot of a horn pulled her from her reverie. She headed east, along the quieter back roads, avoiding the traffic of the M8 as she headed through the small postcard villages that lay on the outskirts of the country's capital city. She knew she was getting close… It was like a radar that kicked in whenever Nick Jordan was within reach.

She thought back to the day she found out about his tumour, it still caused her so much pain; her actions had been horrible and she had wished time and time again that she could go back, that they could have went to Rome and she wasn't so heartless. She'd give up her entire life to nurse him thorough whatever happened and be there for him when he needed her. They could have been a family, Nick, Zoe and Baby Jordan. She had ruined that too, it wasn't enough to forge his signature and go against his wishes to die; she had to reel him back in, allow them to fall in love again and then break his heart which in turn crushed hers. The day she found out she was, most definitely, not pregnant still made her want to cry, to scream and shout and beg for someone to fix her. The negative signs of the pregnancy test tore her apart a little more with each one that appeared; the empty sonogram the ruined icing on am already ruined cake.

She drew her attention back to the present as she navigated the tricky side streets of Grass Market as directed by her sat nav, heading along to Holyrood and out towards the other side of the city; now bustling with morning commuters, tourists and early morning shoppers. A sense of giddiness came over her as local sign posts for the hospital appeared and, as if no time had passed at all, she pulled her sleek black car into the first available space and running towards the main entrance. She followed the not very clear signs up the stairs and along the never ending corridors towards ward six; every step was another closer to the only place she needed to be. She jogged the last few feet and skidded to a halt at the nurses station, with a strange sense of De Ja Vu. "Nick Jordan?" She questioned breathlessly barely acknowledging the staff as they pointed her towards the door. A blonde woman sat beside him, her head bowed as if in prayer; she could hear his shallow and raspy breathing from her position at the door and she knew he didn't have long. "Sarah?" She whispered to the woman, taking a wild guess that this was the woman on the phone from earlier.

The girl nodded in reply, a grimace, rather than a smile crossing her face "I think you're just in time" she whispered, nodding towards the bed where Nick lay, his eyes open and screwed up in pain.

She crossed the room in three strides and took his hand in hers "hey" she murmured gently, kissing his lips lightly "I'm here now, you're ok" she soothed, unsure if this was supposed to be a comfort to him of herself.

He smiled at her weakly "I'm glad… Glad it's you" his voice was weak and hoarse and he struggled for breath "I don't have long" he whispered, squeezing her hand firmly.

Zoe forced a chuckle "I drove all night Jordan, you're not leaving me now" she felt her eyes watering as she spoke, the tears were ready to fall but she had to stay strong for him. "All the way to bloody Scotland, you couldn't have picked somewhere local?" She tired to joke, but nothing was funny in the situation.

"I've been at the beach, Zoe" he told her, like a small child regaling tales of their day "I watched the sun rise and set, every day for the last six months. He nodded his head to the window where she could see the waters at Leith and the beaches of Portobello. His voice was raspy "you remember when we used to watch the sunrise? And what we'd do after…" He laughed lightly, his fingers running through her hair and she bent down to kiss him again; a little more passionate than the peck she had given him on greeting.

"I'll never forget" she whispered, kicking her shoes off and curling up beside him.

"I love you Zoe, it always have" he murmured in her ear, as they watched the early morning sun dance over the water "and I'm dying… When all I want is to be with you"

She stroked his arm and kissed his shoulder "I love you too, and you'll always have me" she pressed a hand to his heart, barely able to feel the thud under his ribs "In here…"

He lay back with a contended smile and closed his eyes "Sunset Syndrome Zoe, I've always had it, but now… I think I'll finally be able to fall asleep."


End file.
